Changes

I saw myself a lot in these examples, and that alone was reassuring. When she writes ''there is no pain like that of an unflattering photo'' I can't help but agree, thinking of those awful work headshots that end up being used for my public speaking engagements and those hideous running photos that turn what was a good race experience into something to be forgotten as soon as I see them. I can run 13.1 miles powered only by vegetarian cola bottles, but when the email comes through, I click the link, and I find the official photographers have captured what can only be described as me as a manatee, lolloping along, any pride I had in my accomplishment vanishes. I know better, but in instances like that, looks matter and a bad photo can ruin your day. So what is the answer? How can you turn that frown upside down in this instance? Martin recommends hanging out with a grandparent or someone of their generation. The attractiveness of youth is something you can't hold onto forever, so the best person to put this into perspective is someone with the wisdom that comes with agingageing. You will never again be as young as you are now, no matter how hard you try, so appreciate it while you can. And also, my special tip, always leave a pre-vetted photo at home when you go travelling in case of kidnap or other mishapmishaps, as in those moments a family cannot be trusted not to hand one of those running photos over to the press.

Let's move on. Lockdown has calmed me, but in recent years I've had moments where I just get overwhelmed by choice, end up frustrated, and leave empty -handed. I hate being rushed for fear of making the wrong decision, but it's somehow socially unacceptable to spend 15 minutes going back and forth between flavours at the ice cream farm while the queue grows behind you. (I do have a solution for this – put your full menus and prices on your website so I can spend as long as I want deciding before I get there, but no one ever asks me). Removing excess choices is a method Martin has used, and recommends, for when things are getting out of hand. By having a pre-vetted go-to list, for example , which restaurants to go to when you need a last minute take away, you save time and worry, because even if you make the 'wrong' decision, you know you're still going to have a decent meal. Choices take a lot out of us, and we make them constantly throughout the day – what to wear, what to have for breakfast, which route to run (or even whether to run at all, or simply have that extra hour in bed). People think it's boring but for me, routine is a wonderful thing because you've already made the choice in advance. By reducing choices, or at least reducing the number that need to be made on the spot, you can be confident in your decisions and avoid the risk of a bad mood.

Martin calls on research, especially psychology-related, throughout the book and introduces the ideas of specialists in the field, for example , Dr Jean Baker Miller and her work on female relationships. Again, this hit close to the bone. Friendships are important, but they are also personal and so for some people that does mean a big girl gang, while for other people it's a few people that give you all you need, and others with whom your bond remains even if you go a year or more without speaking to them. Whatever your situation, there's nothing like feeling left out (whether you were or weren't) when you hear of a party you weren't invited to, or can't keep up with a conversation because of all the in-jokes you aren't privy to. The key is to work out what really matters, how you can sort the real truth from the version you've constructed in your head, and how you can deal with it all.

I could go on and on, and probably write as many words as the book itself, but needless to say , I found it a great read, if a little uncomfortable at times when the examples reminded me of things that make me sad in the way they apply to me. There are a lot of take-home messages from the book, and techniques you can try. I'm already taking the time to stop and ask myself if I'm mad for the sake of being mad, if I'm deliberately trying to start arguments, and why. Because there's always a why.

I'd like to thank the publishers for sending us a copy to review. If this is your sort of read, you might also enjoy [[13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do by Amy Morin]] [[Beyond Thought by Chris Dhladhla]] or [[Failosophy: A handbook for when things go wrong by Elizabeth Day]]